A Mock Remonstrance referring to the Porters Petition

Whereas, Imprimis, first, that is, the Porters,

The heavy burthens laid on their four Quarters

Is not complain’d of here; nor of Us, any,

Although We have good Causes, and full many,

As yet unknown; but there’s a day will come

Shall pay for all, We say no more, but Mum.

It is well said by some, You are about

To give the Church and Government a Rout,

Let it be so cry VVe, for it is known,

To do’t, you will want more hands than your own.

And since you are necessitated to

Raise war, ’ifaith (Sirrevence) do, do, do;

’Tis fit that Old things should grow out of date,

Like Hampden’s Sister, or the Beldame Kate.

Old things in course do commonly decay,

When New perhaps may last full many a day;

Old Frocks, old Shirts, old Brooms, old Boots, old Skins

Are much addicted to the Venial sins

Of wearing out; and why not then the Church,

That has left many a simple man ith’ lurch.

Besides, the Porters so the Surplice hate,

Their very Frocks they have casheer’d of late;

And rather than endure ’em you may see,

They wear the Rope, the Hang-mans Livery.

The Butchers too, inspired are at least,

And know the very Intrails of the Beast

That wears those Smocks, and though they love a Whore,

A Babilonish one they do abhor.

In fine, in this great work of Reformation,

Which you intend shall stigmatize the Nation,

We pray to be Fellow-labourers, and

That you our Vertues right may understand,

Know that the Porters shall for Eighteen-pence

Carry the Dreggs of Rome in Bottles hence

To any Foreign part you’l think upon,

And bring the Juyce of the Turks Alcaron

In lieu of it; the Butcher kill’d in Slaughter

Shall send Gods, and the Laws Disciples after:

There shall not a Religious Relique be

Left in the Church, or in the Library,

But shall be swept away by the Nice hand

Oth’ Broom-mens Art, who nothing understand

More than Kent-street; If any them deride,

The Tanners come, and then beware their Hide;

And for the Weavers, they can preach, or pray,

As is well known to the Lords, Brooks and Say.

The Dyers they delight you know in Scarlet,

And care no more for Blood, than any Varlet;

Like Archers good they will come on so powring,

That who escapes them will escape a scowring.

The Tinkers they can both make Holes, and mend ’em

In Church or State; if you will but befriend ’em

With Mettle; They care not for God or Divell;

A Pack of Sturdy Rogues inur’d to Evill.

The Cobler vows, and that you’l say is News,

To venture All, what over Boots, o’re Shooes?

And likewise undertakes at a Cheap rate

The Government, though Crabbed, to Translate.

The Water-men more slye than any Otters,

Knowing ’tis good fishing in troubl’d Waters,

If any do Oppose them, though their Betters,

They will betake themselves unto their Stretchers,

And so belabour ’em in Church and Cloysters,

Their Bones shall rattle, like a Sacke of Oysters,

In their thin Skins. The Dray-men likewise shall

With Crusted Fists, fling ’um and fling ’um all.

Thus in Our several Functions We can serve ye,

Men fit for your Employment, pray observe ye,

And therefore list Us, where your best defence is,

In th’ Yealow Regiment of’s Oxcellencies:

So taking leave, resting at your Commands,

We do subscribe either Our Horns, or Hands