Three personified disciplines trade claims about research, prestige and destructive inventions. Lehrer supplies replacement words for Frank Loesser's Fugue for Tinhorns from Guys and Dolls. The displayed sheet uses bracketed Stephen Hawking and President Conant references; its marginal note names Professor Oldenberg as an earlier choice. The short etc. refrain cues and the printed loint spelling remain as source features, not missing-text placeholders.
MATH: I'd like to say right out
That math's a thing, no doubt,
The other sciences would be lost without
It's true, it's true
Albert Einstein says it's true
And if Einstein says it's true, it's true, it's true.
PHYSICS: But as a scientist
I really must insist
That it is physics that ought to head the list
That's right, that's right
[Stephen Hawking] says that's right
And if [Hawking] says that's right, that's right, that's right.
CHEMISTRY: But, boys, I can not see
How you can not agree
That the most important is chemistry
Oh yes, oh yes
[President Conant] says oh yes
And if [Conant] says oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
MATH: But after all is said
Math is way ahead
Who else can do research while lying in bed?
It's true, etc.
PHYSICS: The atom bomb's a bit
Of genius, you'll admit
Just think of all the people we've killed with it
That's right, etc.
CHEMISTRY: But listen here to me
Where would your A-bombs be
If it were not for little old chemistry?
Oh yes, etc.
MATH: But let me make the point
There's things that should be loint
Besides inventing ways to blow up the joint
It's true, etc.
PHYSICS: I really can't condemn
The guys who take up chem
For learning how to cook may appeal to them
That's right, etc.
CHEMISTRY: But you can be sure, chum
That in the years to come
We are the guys you're gonna be hearin' from
MATH: Math!!
PHYSICS: Physics!
CHEMISTRY: Chemistry!
ALL: That's us!