Tom Lehrer: Author Lyric Sheets
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Public-domain lyrics

He's Not the One

Tom Lehrer

A supposed clandestine rendezvous becomes a comic argument over whether the right person has arrived.

Tom Lehrer: Author Lyric Sheets Text 16 Undated text
Public domainTheatreMistaken identityComedySuspensefulPlayful
Complete public-domain lyrics

Jamie (J), Sara (S) and Austin (A) exchange doubts, passwords and props in this three-character text. The author sheet identifies an abandoned version of Park and explicitly says no music was written. Both pages are presented in order, with spoken cues and speaker initials intact. Section headings are editorial navigation aids, not extra dialogue; this is not a released recording.

First doubt

J: He's not the one

S: I think he is

J: I think he's not

S: But this is the day, and this is the time, and this is the spot

J: If he's the one, then why did he give me that line?

S: Something is fishy,

I just wish he

Would give us some kind of a sign

The signs

J: He's not the one

S: I bet he is

J: I bet he's not

Whatever became of his limp?

S: I guess he forgot

J: He was supposed to be wearing a hat

S: I don't remember them telling us that

J: But could he really have killed seven guys?

S: Sure, did you get a good look at those eyes?

J: And the suit was supposed to be green --

Gabardine --

And clean

A decision

S: He is the one

J: There's only one way to be sure

S: You mean ......

J: I do

S: Well?

J: No, you

First password

[S goes over to A]

S: [spoken] Will the ostrich dance with the porcupine?

A : [spoken, hesistantly] Only if he is sufficiently ---tight.

[S goes back to J]

S: [spoken] Did you hear that?

The risk

J: He's not the one

S: Oh yes, he is

J: Oh no, he's not

S: We have to be sure, because if we're wrong, we're gonna get shot

J: It just might be some kind of a double cross

He could be a narc

They're all over the park

S: Do you think I should check with the boss?

Second doubt

J: He's not the one

S: I bet he is

J: I bet he's not

S: And we've only an hour to get from here to the yacht

J: He was supposed to be smoking a pipe

Frankly, he just doesn't look like the type

S: Look like a spy, you mean? Heaven forbid

He'd be a hell of a spy if he did

But he picked up the code all right

J: Not quite

He said "tight"

He's not the one

Another try

S: Okay, let's try him one more time

J: You mean .....

S: I do

J: Well?

S: No, you

Second password

[J goes over to A]

J: [spoken] Will the ostrich dance with the porcupine?

A: [spoken, hesitantly, while S and J encourage him to get it right]

Only if he is sufficiently --- loose

[S and J cheer]

The exchange

J: He is the one

S: He is the one

A: I am the one

J: The plans?

A: The dough?

S: [handing "money" to A] The dough

A: [handing "plans" to J] The plans

J: Well done

S: Well done

A: Well done

J: He is

S: He is

A: I am

ALL: The one

Credits

Written by Tom Lehrer

Words by Tom Lehrer, released into the public domain by the author. This is the author-published text edition, not a transcription of a particular performance.

Source & text edition

Author-published lyric sheet · original English words

Tom Lehrer's November 26, 2022 declaration relinquishes copyright in lyrics he wrote. It does not grant rights to third-party music, photographs or album artwork. This edition uses only his words.

Read the author’s lyric sheet (PDF)

View copyright evidence · Author’s public-domain declaration

Retrieved 2026-09-08. Line spacing and section labels are adapted for reading. The displayed text follows the linked edition. Editorial notes and abstract artwork are by 52lyrics.
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