This 2001 revision is based on King Gama's song from Gilbert and Sullivan's Princess Ida. The original lyricist is W. S. Gilbert; the revised wording is by Tom Lehrer. All three nine-line stanzas follow Lehrer's sheet. The recurring protest is comic self-delusion, not the site's endorsement of the narrator's behavior. Original and revised text rights are documented separately below.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am.
I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of grammar and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures I endeavor to correct.
To all of their deficiencies I open people's eyes,
And little plans to decimate their egos I devise.
I do all the good I can do from the moment I awake,
Yet many people say that I am rather hard to take.
And I can't think why!
To compliments excessive I've a withering reply,
And vanity I always do my best to mortify.
A charitable action I can skillfully dissect.
A motive that's ulterior I'm happy to detect.
If someone does admit a fault, I nonetheless insist
On calling his attention to the ones he may have missed.
I have a gift for crushing repartee, I must admit,
But nobody appreciates the brilliance of my wit.
And I can't think why!
Although I am opinionated, no one should object:
How fortunate I am that my opinions are correct!
I point out people's weaknesses before they leave the room.
I enjoy correcting people who say "who" instead of "whom."
I always say whatever's on my mind, that's very true.
I can tell a person's age in half a minute --- and I do.
And yet no matter how I try to benefit mankind,
Still everybody says that I'm a pain in the behind.
And I can't think why!