C is the Customer and W is the Waitress or Waiter. The sheet credits Morgan Freeman and Rita Moreno's Electric Company performance and Lehrer with words and music. This reading follows all four menu courses across both pages, including the printed soap-flakes ending. The author explicitly notes that the television ending was changed. Concrete, gasoline and soap are comic absurdities, not food suggestions; no unprinted opening dialogue has been invented.
C: You got soup?
W: We got soup.
C: What kind of soup?
W: All kinds of soup.
We got beet soup
(That's a sweet soup),
Then there's meat soup,
Parakeet soup,
Shredded wheat soup,
And concrete soup,
And the special today: Dirty feet soup!
C: Dirty fee--- Hey, forget the soup! What else is on the menu? Sandwich, eh?
You got sandwiches?
W: We got sandwiches.
C: What kind of sandwiches?
W: All kinds of sandwiches.
We got a ham sandwich,
Or a jam sandwich,
Leg of lamb sandwich,
Or a clam sandwich,
Alabam' sandwich
(That's a yam sandwich),
Or how about a telegram sandwich?
C: That I gotta see. Bring me a telegram sandwich.
W: Sorry, I can't bring it to you. You'll have to eat it over the phone.
C: Okay, forget the sandwich. What's next on the menu? Salad?
You got salad?
W: We got salad.
C: What kind of salad?
W: All kinds of salad.
We got green salad,
Sardine salad,
Tangerine salad,
Magazine salad,
Jelly bean salad,
Blue jean salad,
And the special today: gasoline salad.
C: Gasoline salad? You gotta be kidding.
W: No, it's delicious. And every 6000 miles we change the oil in the dressing.
C: NEVER MIND! I'll just have dessert. Surely, you must have some simple dessert.
You got ice cream?
W: We got ice cream.
C: What kind of ice cream?
W: All kinds of ice cream.
We got plum and rum and bubblegum,
We got prune, balloon, and macaroon,
We got grape and ape and scotch tape,
We got lime and grime and choc'late slime,
Sasparilla,
Manzanilla,
Caterpilla',
And of course plain old-fashioned gorilla.
What would you like?
C: [leaving] Never mind. I'll just go over to the laundromat and have a bowl of
soap flakes.