William Hargreaves wrote the original song; this sheet presents Tom Lehrer's 1982 revisions. The audience supplies eggs, vegetables and other unmistakable reviews while the actor clings to his confidence. All fifty lines are retained. In the original PDF, italics distinguish revised passages; this reading uses uniform text styling and credits both writers rather than attributing the whole lyric solely to Lehrer.
For most of my life, I confess it,
I’ve had no desire for the stage,
But one fateful night
I was asked to recite,
And Gadzooks, I was quickly the rage.
Soon I knew that Macbeth was the one role
That would certainly make my career,
And my friends said, “Of course you must do it,
So long as you don’t do it here.”
So I went, hired a hall,
And gave a performance that shattered them all.
I acted so tragic
The house rose like magic,
The audience yelled, “You’re sublime!”
They made me a present
Of Mornington Crescent.
They threw it one brick at a time.
The crowd filled the air with their chatter and clatter
And quite an assortment of vegetable matter.
They jeered,
And they sneered,
Though they cheered at the scene of my death.
I got no hosannas,
Just eggs and bananas,
The night I appeared as Macbeth.
The play, though ascribed to Bill Shakespeare,
To me lacked both polish and tone,
So I threw in some bits
From some popular hits
And a few comic lines of my own.
Unfortunately, the director
Decided the play was too long,
So he forced me to cut out my tap-dance
And half of my second-act song.
All that work, gone to waste,
Ah, but what can you do with a man with no taste?
I acted so tragic,
The house rose like magic,
They wished David Garrick could see.
But he’s in the Abbey
Then someone quite shabby
Suggested that’s where I should be.
They hooted like owls and they whistled like crickets,
Especially those who had paid for their tickets.
The witches
Were in stitches,
And the cast was soon quite out of breath.
I cried, “Lay on, MacDuff!”
They cried, “Lay off, enough!”
The night I appeared as Macbeth.